Presence

Two sides of one coin

One thing that generates a lot of confusion in the world of nondual spirituality is that many of the key labels, words and concepts that are used to point to the nature of reality are used in different and often contradictory ways, and what they are trying to describe is actually indescribable and unpindownable. What’s being pointed to is experiential and actual, but as soon as we start thinking about it, we inevitably find ourselves in the realm of conceptual abstractions, tripping over apparent paradoxes and getting ever-more confused as we try to reconcile different maps.

One such word that frequently gets used in two different ways is presence. Actually, these two different ways are not one, not two. They are two sides of one coin. They go together, and in my experience, both are an essential ingredient for liberation from suffering—and by suffering, I mean the mental overlay and unnecessary resistance on top of the unavoidable pain and painful circumstances that are part of life.

One meaning of presence has to do with “being here now” in the sense of being fully awake to the aliveness of this moment. It points to a felt-sense of spaciousness, openness, undivided wholeness, unconditional love—letting go, relaxing, falling open into boundlessness and simply being here, awake and aware, fully present—in touch with the stillness and silence at the heart of everything.

In this kind of open listening presence, we come out of our heads, out of the realm of conceptual thought, and into the sensory-energetic realm of direct experiencing, the realm of open aware presence. Thoughts may still pop up, but we are no longer mesmerized by the content and the storylines. We discover firsthand the wholeness of everything, the absence of inside and outside, the spaciousness in which there is room for everything to be just as it is. And we begin to realize experientially that we are not a separate entity encapsulated in a separate body living in a fractured world “out there.” We realize directly that this apparent separate self and this apparently fractured world are only ideas, mental images, passing sensations, stories. We see that the separations are purely notional and the boundaries are imaginary. As we explore and deepen into this presence, it opens up and reveals itself in ever more subtle ways.

Without this direct experiencing of “being here now,” we remain in our heads, with only a mental intellectual understanding. So feeling into and abiding in presence in this sense of the word is an essential aspect of self-realization.

But when attention inevitably gets mesmerized again by the thought-stories, and especially by the thought-sense of being a separate self, we then encounter the potential pitfall with “being here now” as a path to awakening. The experiential sense of “being here now” is impermanent, as all experiences are, and we can very easily fall into constantly evaluating how successfully we are “being here now,” and desperately trying to rid ourselves of obsessive thinking, daydreaming, getting angry, and everything else we have decided is not “being here now,” and then judging ourselves for our repeated failures. This creates imaginary division, conflict and tension and reinforces the sense of self instead of dissolving it. This is a common problem when people first take up meditation or “being here now” as a practice.

But although the felt-sense of open, spacious presence inevitably comes and goes, what it awakens us to is the ever-present Here-Now from which we never depart. What actually comes and goes is the mental confusion that only seems to obscure what is actually ever-present. The space, the no-thing-ness, the absence of separation, the wholeness is never actually absent. And as this becomes clearer, we begin to realize that evaluating how well “I” am “being here now” is a ridiculously delusional activity, and as that thought-habit is seen for what it is, it loses its grip and falls away more and more. Any intelligent form of meditation eventually reveals this.

And at some point, there is the immensely liberating recognition that EVERYTHING is presence—that this vastness (Here-Now) is ever-present, that we can never really not be here now, that here-now-being is all there is, and that “being here now” is simply one way it can show up. Even the apparent distractions, the agitated or obsessive thinking, the fantasies and daydreams, the reactive emotions, the feelings of confusion and upset—ALL of this is simply the infinitely different shapes that this seamless presence is taking. It’s all as impersonal as the endlessly changing weather and as ephemeral as the shape-shifting clouds. This realization frees us from the belief that we are something other than here-now-being or that there is anything other than this awaring presence.

This is probably the most liberating realization of all—that we are never really lost or broken, that everything is THIS. But as with any way of formulating or approaching life, there are potential pitfalls here as well. The potential danger in this perspective, especially if we simply read or hear about it and absorb it mentally, is that it can become a comforting idea, a new belief, even a fundamentalist dogma. It is then often used by the thinking mind in slippery ways to justify addictive or harmful behavior or to numb out emotional pain—this is often called spiritual by-passing. Pseudo-nonduality can become nothing more than a new set of blinders, rather than something that is truly opening us up.

So, I find that both of these apparently different realizations (“being here now” and “all there is, is here-now-being”) are vital to liberation. One without the other misses something vitally important. They go together. They correct and inform and complete each other. And ultimately, they inform one another so completely that they can’t be pulled apart. There is simply Here-Now, just as it is, and it belongs to no one.

Present experiencing, right here, right now, is not confusing in any way. But as soon as we try to verbalize it, we end up with apparent paradoxes. And then it’s easy to get mentally caught up in trying to figure out which side of a conceptual divide is right. But reality is undivided and whole. It is infinitely diverse and varied, but nothing is independent of the whole—it can’t be pulled apart. You can’t have up without down. Only thought can seemingly pull them apart. And when it does, we get confused.

One spiritual authority tells us that awareness is the fundamental ground of being, another tells us we need to cultivate it, and yet another tells us it doesn’t exist. One authority encourages us to “be here now” and another tells us there is no self, no choice and no way not to be here now. Which one should we believe? Who has it right? I would say, don’t believe anything. These are all different maps, all of them potentially useful and true in different ways. Take what resonates in the moment and leave the rest behind for now. And always question authority. Yes, some people have more clarity and are freer from delusion than others, and yes, we can learn from such people, but as human beings, we all have blind spots and are capable of making enormous mistakes. So don’t believe (or adamantly disbelieve) anything a supposed authority tells you. Test it out. Look and listen and see for yourself. Keep an open mind. And be aware of how easily we mistake the map for the territory and how this mistake confuses us again and again.

If we find ourselves in such agonizing mental conundrums as trying to figure out whether or not “I” have the free will to “be here now,” we simply need to return to direct experiencing, right here, right now. In present experiencing, in stillness, confusion dissolves. How do “we” shift from the thought-realm to the immediacy of sensing, breathing, awaring, being? We can’t really say how anything happens. But since we already are nothing other than present experiencing, there is really nothing to do other than waking up to what is right here. It’s a bit like relaxing and opening a clenched fist. You can’t find any doer, but you can’t say it can’t be done. You (this boundless aware presence) simply open your hand. And if for whatever reasons you sometimes can’t do it, this infinite presence momentarily takes the shape of an apparently clenched fist, but without that label and without any storyline, and sooner or later, any clench will naturally relax and open. The nature of this manifestation is that it can only appear in polarities, in an endless dance of contracting and expanding, opening and closing, birthing and dying, breathing in and breathing out, appearing and disappearing.

Just as the movie screen is immovable, unchanging and equally present in every scene of the ever-changing movie, so this awaring presence is immovably here-now, equally present in every moment of the ever-changing movie of waking and dreaming life, and in the no-experience of deep sleep. But unlike the movie screen, this aware presence (Here-Now) is not a thing. It’s not an object. It has no size (or every size), no location (or every location), no limits and no place where it is not. It is no-thing and everything. Once we label it, it seems to become something (this but not that), and this is the pitfall with all words. So take all the words lightly. Don’t get stuck on them or bamboozled by them.

Every apparent form is disappearing the instant it appears, so everything is self-liberating. It is the nature of reality that no-thing endures. And yet, it is all this indivisible, seamless, awaring presence that never departs from right here, right now. It is always just this. Listening, breathing, eating, pooping, raining, clouding, awaring, opening, closing, appearing, disappearing, contracting, expanding. Just this! No word-label can ever contain this because this no-thing-ness includes absolutely everything and holds on to nothing. It is ungraspable and unpindownable. And yet, here it is, totally unavoidable and always right here.

Love to all….