The First Instant

THIS! Here-Now

So many words, so many teachings, all pointing to something so utterly simple and immediate and never not here: JUST THIS! Here-Now!

What is it?

Perhaps for one instant, before thought kicks in, the mind goes blank.

There is no answer and no scrambling to find an answer. There is simply present experiencing, just as it is—being here, present and aware. Unavoidable. Impossible to doubt. Requiring no belief. Nothing fancy or mysterious or in need of any further explanation. And that’s really all there is to all of this nondual awakening stuff. JUST THIS!

That question (What is it?) isn’t actually seeking an answer—it’s more like the Zen Master’s slap—intended to stop the mind and wake us up to JUST THIS, this ever-present first instant, Here-Now, in which there is no “me,” no problem, no question, no answer, and nothing lacking.

But in the blink of an eye, thought can kick in and start trying to figure out what “JUST THIS” means. And the thinking mind can easily supply many possible labels and interpretations, many word-concepts it has learned, and then thought can get busy trying to make sense of them. And immediately, the thought-sense of separation and encapsulation is back, the sense of being “me,” a separate somebody who needs to find the right answer, understand this, have some different experience or get somewhere else. And off the attention goes, like Dorothy in search of Oz, following the Yellow Brick Road of spiritual endeavors, seeking what is actually never not here—what we are and have never not been.

What to do?

In any moment when we seem to be stuck in some form of dissatisfaction or dilemma, the problem is imaginary and the solution is simple and always already fully present. Simply re-turn to this first instant, right here, right now. Just this. And remember, “forever after” is a thought. “Me” is a thought. “Me staying here forever” is a story. THIS is timeless, only NOW. It has no center, no me. There is no before or after NOW.

I would add that, in my experience, it helps greatly to explore the nature of present experiencing, to see directly (NOW) that the “me” who is supposedly at the center of it cannot be found, to see directly (NOW) that the boundary between inside and outside cannot actually be found, to see directly (NOW) that everything is changing, that THIS is an ungraspable, indivisible, seamless no-thing-ness, that no apparent thing can ever actually be isolated or pulled out of the whole—to discover (NOW) that no author-thinker-chooser-doer can be found, that everything is happening choicelessly by itself, that nothing we believe about ourselves and the world is absolutely true.

Waking up is a relaxation into not knowing, into simply being this whole happening, just as it is. It (this ungraspable but unavoidable it-less-ness) is all there is. It cannot be lost or found. It is showing up as the breakfast dishes, the taste of tea, the sounds of traffic, the stench of death, the pain of a backache, the bombing of Gaza, the cheeping of birds, the humming of the refrigerator, the undertow of depression, the excitement of falling in love, the heartbreak of a divorce, the reading of these words, galaxies in the night sky, subatomic entanglements, hearts beating, thoughts bubbling up and vanishing.

Nothing is not this, including the me-story and our apparent journey on the Yellow Brick Road. None of it could be otherwise. And all of it is instantly dissolving—although it can be clung to as memory and storyline—and none of it is personal. None of it means anything about “me.” The one who seems to be doing and suffering all of it is only a mirage. There is simply experiencing—ever-changing while never departing from this one bottomless moment here and now. This beingness or presence has no center, no beginning or ending, no inside or outside. It is one whole infinitely varied seamless happening, and the more closely it is explored, the clearer it becomes that there is nothing here that is solid or persisting or separate from everything else. That recognition is freedom.

Awakeness is always already here. It’s not mine or yours. It’s JUST THIS! Present experiencing—this boundless, all-inclusive, unpindownable aliveness that never comes or goes. It shows up as waking, dreaming and deep sleep—as joy and sorrow—as birth and death—as you and me. But the divisions are conceptual. The actuality is unbroken. There is nothing missing. Nothing needs to happen other than exactly what is happening. This isn’t an ideology to believe, but a discovery to make by giving open attention to the actuality of life itself.

To quote the infamous but sometimes profoundly insightful Franklin Jones (aka Da Free John, Da Love-Ananda, Adi Da Samraj, and a host of other names):

Your suffering is your own activity. It is something that you are doing moment to moment... You will continue to pursue every kind of means until you realize that all you are doing is pinching yourself. When you realize that, you just take your hand away. There is nothing complicated about it. But previous to that, it is an immensely complicated problem... The self is just like this clenched fist. Relax the fist and there is nothing inside... Real God Is That Which Is Always Already The Case... Real God Is Only Avoided By Any Kind of Seeking... This moment is the moment of reality... Even the moment of self-indulgence, of avoidance, of separativeness is the moment of reality. Nothing needs to be done to it, or to you, for this to be so. Nothing needs to be avoided, transcended or found for it to be so... It is always already the case. We are never at any moment in the dilemma we fear ourselves to be.

If the mind is busy wondering how suffering can be “your own activity” if it is all “a choiceless happening that could not be otherwise,” notice that this is a conceptual conundrum generated and sustained by words and concepts and by mistaking the map for the territory. Remember the line from Zen teacher Steve Hagen that I shared in my last post: “Are you breathing? Or are you being breathed? You need not answer. There is no essential difference.” Don’t get stuck on the words and on the kinds of apparent paradoxes and dualities that only exist conceptually. Re-turn (NOW) to THIS, the first instant, right here, right now. THIS is nondual and cannot be put into words.

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AUDIO VERSION OF ONE OF MY RECENT SUBSTACKS and more…

Several folks have suggested that I read aloud and record my Substack articles, and your wish has come true—SAND (Science and Nonduality) recorded me reading one of my recent posts—"The Dark Light” from Dec 2—and it can be heard in the recent Sounds of Sand podcast episode titled “Silent Light,” in which they’ve put together an anthology of nondual speakers. My reading of “the Dark Light” is the first offering after the introduction, and it is followed by Pamela Wilson, Adyashanti, Vera de Chalambert, Mirabai Starr, Amoda Maa, and many others.

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My New Year’s Retreat and closing words

I’ll be taking roughly five days over New Years—I’ve blocked off Dec 29 through Jan 3—for my annual at home solitary retreat. It’s a time when I don’t hold meetings, answer emails, socialize, or spend much if any time online. I don’t ever have a formal plan for exactly what I will be moved to do or not do. Every year is different.

There is always a lot of sitting on my meditation cushion or in my armchair, doing nothing other than being here, as well as going for silent walks. Some years, all I do is sitting and walking in silence. But in other years, I do other things as well.

Sometimes I do an hour of housework or catching up on paperwork every day. Some years I write, some years I don’t. Sometimes I read a bit in some of my favorite spiritual/nondual books, or watch or listen to a favorite speaker in the nondual realm, but in other years I never open a book or get online. I’ll probably go to the fitness center here once or twice to keep up on my work out. I might find myself reading poetry or possibly even watching something on Netflix. It’s a very open, unstructured time with no rules.

But I won’t be sending out any more Substacks, answering emails, or scheduling meetings until after January 3, 2024.

Finally, I want to again thank all of you who have sent in donations this last year. And I want to wish all of you who are reading this a very happy new year.

I’ll be back with more outpourings in 2024. Until then, enjoy the silence.

Love, blessings and Happy New Year to all….