Wonderful, Joan. Thank you. 🙏🏼❤️🔥 I had intended to share that exact passage from Peter in a forthcoming blog post hahah -- one of my favorites from him. Thank you for sharing his magic and for sharing yours 🙏🏼💙
Sola Sol Solitud i com anyorem companyia ,, Sols ho som tot en companyia ,, ja no som tot però som el lo desconegut de nosaltres de mí . Ha colapsat aquesta solitud en una esfera en un afer determinat i juguem aquest rol ,,, però sempre som Solitud que ho impregna tot
I laughed hard and deep at your title "Death the end of self improvement" because it so nails me! The endless futile rat race of trying to be good enough to earn salvation, yet always failing. These words, and thank you for the other refs, are so on point to the essense of my struggle, And I love that you mentioned Netflix on your silent retreat, even though it might so offend the pious! But so f'g honest and true, and makes your message accessible to the many, Thank you!
I appreciate your candidness about your impulses to bite and pick at your fingers. My thumbs and index fingers seem to have minds of their own, and I frequently find them feeling around for dry cuticle hangers to 'clean up'.
Sometimes they'll even create hangers where there are none. They have a singled minded focus on smoothing out the rough areas and I have to remind them that it's an act of futility.
So, yeah, thank you for sharing about your similar propensity. It's heartening to hear from others who have figgety, picking fingers that like to pick on each other!!!
You describe it beautifully. Nowadays there is more information about this compulsion that can be found online (Google "dermatophagia"). I've written about it in several of my books as well. Variously categorized as an impulse control disorder, a form of OCD, and something to do with perfectionism--creating imperfections and then feeling compelled to fix them, just as you so beautifully describe, which is like an enactment of our fundamental form of human psychological suffering--creating imaginary problems and deficiencies and then being compelled to try to fix them, with all our efforts only exacerbating the problem and deepening the wound. Since writing about it in my first book, which was published way back in 1995, I've heard from fingerbiters, nail biters, skin pickers and hair pullers worldwide. We are not alone!
Wow, thank you for that Joan! I guess I would prefer to call it something like dermatophagia than something harsher and self-critical, like, oh I don't know, self-sabotage?
A question came to mind about the official name of the compulsion. Does naming it maybe lead to a 'way out'? I know that's probably a loaded question, or can of worms. I can always consult the Oracle if I feel like I need even more 'answers', haha.
All names are made up, of course, and the word water is not water, but naming something like this may help to de-stigmatize and de-personalize it. And reading more about it has helped me see things in it I wasn't seeing before.
I just wanted to share one more thing or two that I've learned from my years as a picker. I'm aware that it sort of manifests as an inseparable part of my ruminations, when I'm caught up, or carried away, by my monkey mind which worries.
I have distinct memories of times when my fingers 'forgot' to fidget and pick. One time that really stands out is when I was on my first multiple day backpacking trip, out and around Mt. Whitney. After a day or two on the trail I realized I was feeling more relaxed than I could ever remember being
I think it was near the end, or probably after I got back to the 'real world', when I realized I hadn't been picking at my cuticles. It was only in the instant that I 'picked up' my picking again that I realized my cuticles were all healed up and in a state of merely ordinary dry, flakiness, which had become 'no problem' for a few sweet days.
In that instance I guess I sort of did a scan of my mind/body and noticed the old worries and concerns creeping in around the edges of my awareness. Anyway, enough about me! I don't mean to hog this comment section, haha.
My biting falls away for months sometimes and then returns, seemingly out of the blue, often with no obvious connection to stress or anxiety. Sometimes it has vanished when I'm drinking coffee everyday, and then happened intensely when I'm not doing that. It feels not only related to emotion-thought, but also to energetic things in the body, a certain seemingly unbearable energy, and who knows what that comes from (neurochemistry, hormones, vibrations from the "outer" world? Who knows?). I don't think there is any single cause or any cure that works for everyone.
I love how, in your telling, it is the fingers and teeth that have agency, minds of their own, doing as they please. I have an ostomy, and I've named the stoma (the end of intestine that comes out my belly) Otto, and I relate to him very much as a companion, someone with a mind of his own. I find this perspective quite delightful.
"..and notice that I am compelled to do this and unable to stop myself, and that this, too, is an inconceivable movement of life itself."
and the Peter Brown line:
"If you’re feeling stuck or fucked up in your life, that’s okay. Acknowledge those feelings without trying to apply an antidote or fix them. Instead, sidestep the urge to fix and seek some degree of contact with the amazing presence that is always here. This presence, by its very nature, does the dismantling for you effortlessly."
I'll be sitting with both of those for a long time.
Thank you Joan and Happy New Year. What a wonderful post to start the year with. Especially 2025. God Help Us. Everything you write is always so relatable. Thanks again. Much Love to All.
Loved the interview clip with Simon. That 5 minutes is the heart of it. Shew! It’s fun to listen to the whole interview, but those targeted out takes can really help to take me from here to here in an appreciative way. And when that happens I find more and more I have nothing pithy to say. lol! Great sharing! Very enjoyable. Big smile on my face. Thank you!
I loved this article, however, (and I don’t know why), when she mentioned “Netflix”, that somehow ruined it for me, not the entire article, it was like a tiny ink blot. I know there are no “rules” on what you can and can’t do on your own retreat, but she mentioned “no emails” etc, which suggested that she was doing away with all forms of electronic communication and social media, and Netflix feels like it’s somehow violating the retreat. Not that Joan is out to impress anyone, but I think I would have been more impressed if the retreat didn’t include Netflix.
I actually don't do this annual retreat to impress people! I do it because I find it rejuvenating and nourishing. I've done it for years. Every year is different. In the beginning, as someone who was used to years of formal silent retreats, it was quite strict, and I would never have opened a spiritual book, written in a journal, much less watched Netflix.
But one of the most liberating realizations over the decades has been the discovery that EVERYTHING is the Holy Reality, as this article endeavors to convey. Now I often find it interesting to mix it up a little, and I no longer feel bound by old ideas of accomplishment and imagined perfection, but freer to simply be as I am. The retreat unfolds spontaneously, always a surprise.
I'm not by any means suggesting that this is the "only" or "correct" way to do a silent retreat. You are free to do as YOU are moved to do. But I find it interesting that you "loved" the rest of the article but found that this one bit "ruined it" for you. Apparently you were fine with compulsive fingerbiting and Peter Brown's "Lazy Man's Yoga," but Netflix was just a step too far!
Well, it can be helpful to see what you include in the wholeness of reality and what you think is "not it." Perhaps awakening is a long process of including more and more, as expressed in a favorite poem by Wayne Liquorman:
Thank you Joan. For your relatability, way of communication, generosity, and wisdom. I love this sharing of your home retreat in its simplicity and unstructuredness - no rules, just openness. Please keep sharing - you are a gem. ❤️
This schmo is deeply grateful for finding you.
Wonderful, Joan. Thank you. 🙏🏼❤️🔥 I had intended to share that exact passage from Peter in a forthcoming blog post hahah -- one of my favorites from him. Thank you for sharing his magic and for sharing yours 🙏🏼💙
Hola!Ets un o el amor
Sola Sol Solitud i com anyorem companyia ,, Sols ho som tot en companyia ,, ja no som tot però som el lo desconegut de nosaltres de mí . Ha colapsat aquesta solitud en una esfera en un afer determinat i juguem aquest rol ,,, però sempre som Solitud que ho impregna tot
Beautiful! All just weather passing through.
With gratitude ...always 🙏 ❤
I always love to hear about "self improvement" and all its traps.
It is certainly a pacifier for the 3D "I"
Short lived however.
How sweet to be in the place of "just here", no improvements with the awareness of all of it.
Also needed to hear again the "I" experience.
Perfect timing because I am in a furious windstorm that brings up lots of fear.
thank you Joan.
I laughed hard and deep at your title "Death the end of self improvement" because it so nails me! The endless futile rat race of trying to be good enough to earn salvation, yet always failing. These words, and thank you for the other refs, are so on point to the essense of my struggle, And I love that you mentioned Netflix on your silent retreat, even though it might so offend the pious! But so f'g honest and true, and makes your message accessible to the many, Thank you!
You are back!
Me, smiling, reading your post !
Such clarity, insights into what is.
Thank you
Thank you, Joan. What thriller did you watch?? Also….have you ever thought of getting a kitten?
Love you.
Thanks for sharing
I appreciate your candidness about your impulses to bite and pick at your fingers. My thumbs and index fingers seem to have minds of their own, and I frequently find them feeling around for dry cuticle hangers to 'clean up'.
Sometimes they'll even create hangers where there are none. They have a singled minded focus on smoothing out the rough areas and I have to remind them that it's an act of futility.
So, yeah, thank you for sharing about your similar propensity. It's heartening to hear from others who have figgety, picking fingers that like to pick on each other!!!
You describe it beautifully. Nowadays there is more information about this compulsion that can be found online (Google "dermatophagia"). I've written about it in several of my books as well. Variously categorized as an impulse control disorder, a form of OCD, and something to do with perfectionism--creating imperfections and then feeling compelled to fix them, just as you so beautifully describe, which is like an enactment of our fundamental form of human psychological suffering--creating imaginary problems and deficiencies and then being compelled to try to fix them, with all our efforts only exacerbating the problem and deepening the wound. Since writing about it in my first book, which was published way back in 1995, I've heard from fingerbiters, nail biters, skin pickers and hair pullers worldwide. We are not alone!
Wow, thank you for that Joan! I guess I would prefer to call it something like dermatophagia than something harsher and self-critical, like, oh I don't know, self-sabotage?
A question came to mind about the official name of the compulsion. Does naming it maybe lead to a 'way out'? I know that's probably a loaded question, or can of worms. I can always consult the Oracle if I feel like I need even more 'answers', haha.
All names are made up, of course, and the word water is not water, but naming something like this may help to de-stigmatize and de-personalize it. And reading more about it has helped me see things in it I wasn't seeing before.
I just wanted to share one more thing or two that I've learned from my years as a picker. I'm aware that it sort of manifests as an inseparable part of my ruminations, when I'm caught up, or carried away, by my monkey mind which worries.
I have distinct memories of times when my fingers 'forgot' to fidget and pick. One time that really stands out is when I was on my first multiple day backpacking trip, out and around Mt. Whitney. After a day or two on the trail I realized I was feeling more relaxed than I could ever remember being
I think it was near the end, or probably after I got back to the 'real world', when I realized I hadn't been picking at my cuticles. It was only in the instant that I 'picked up' my picking again that I realized my cuticles were all healed up and in a state of merely ordinary dry, flakiness, which had become 'no problem' for a few sweet days.
In that instance I guess I sort of did a scan of my mind/body and noticed the old worries and concerns creeping in around the edges of my awareness. Anyway, enough about me! I don't mean to hog this comment section, haha.
Jeez, it never fails that when I overshare in a comment section it unleashes a flood of 'insights' that I believe everyone can benefit from.
The phrase 'to worry at' just came to mind in relation to our fingers feeling compelled to mess with each other. Ok, that's IT!!
Thanks again Joan, for your willingness to share about you're very human struggles with us.
My biting falls away for months sometimes and then returns, seemingly out of the blue, often with no obvious connection to stress or anxiety. Sometimes it has vanished when I'm drinking coffee everyday, and then happened intensely when I'm not doing that. It feels not only related to emotion-thought, but also to energetic things in the body, a certain seemingly unbearable energy, and who knows what that comes from (neurochemistry, hormones, vibrations from the "outer" world? Who knows?). I don't think there is any single cause or any cure that works for everyone.
Again, thank you for taking the time to offer your thoughtful response Joan. I've really been enjoying your posts :)
I love how, in your telling, it is the fingers and teeth that have agency, minds of their own, doing as they please. I have an ostomy, and I've named the stoma (the end of intestine that comes out my belly) Otto, and I relate to him very much as a companion, someone with a mind of his own. I find this perspective quite delightful.
I here a children's book in there;)
Two lines that really hit me:
"..and notice that I am compelled to do this and unable to stop myself, and that this, too, is an inconceivable movement of life itself."
and the Peter Brown line:
"If you’re feeling stuck or fucked up in your life, that’s okay. Acknowledge those feelings without trying to apply an antidote or fix them. Instead, sidestep the urge to fix and seek some degree of contact with the amazing presence that is always here. This presence, by its very nature, does the dismantling for you effortlessly."
I'll be sitting with both of those for a long time.
Thanks Joan
Thank you Joan and Happy New Year. What a wonderful post to start the year with. Especially 2025. God Help Us. Everything you write is always so relatable. Thanks again. Much Love to All.
Are you expecting an especially bad year? I'm not. But I realize many people are. 😎
Honestly I am and I’m not it depends on my mood that day lol. But I’m pretty sure it’s going to be fascinating and dramatic.
Loved the interview clip with Simon. That 5 minutes is the heart of it. Shew! It’s fun to listen to the whole interview, but those targeted out takes can really help to take me from here to here in an appreciative way. And when that happens I find more and more I have nothing pithy to say. lol! Great sharing! Very enjoyable. Big smile on my face. Thank you!
I loved this article, however, (and I don’t know why), when she mentioned “Netflix”, that somehow ruined it for me, not the entire article, it was like a tiny ink blot. I know there are no “rules” on what you can and can’t do on your own retreat, but she mentioned “no emails” etc, which suggested that she was doing away with all forms of electronic communication and social media, and Netflix feels like it’s somehow violating the retreat. Not that Joan is out to impress anyone, but I think I would have been more impressed if the retreat didn’t include Netflix.
I actually don't do this annual retreat to impress people! I do it because I find it rejuvenating and nourishing. I've done it for years. Every year is different. In the beginning, as someone who was used to years of formal silent retreats, it was quite strict, and I would never have opened a spiritual book, written in a journal, much less watched Netflix.
But one of the most liberating realizations over the decades has been the discovery that EVERYTHING is the Holy Reality, as this article endeavors to convey. Now I often find it interesting to mix it up a little, and I no longer feel bound by old ideas of accomplishment and imagined perfection, but freer to simply be as I am. The retreat unfolds spontaneously, always a surprise.
I'm not by any means suggesting that this is the "only" or "correct" way to do a silent retreat. You are free to do as YOU are moved to do. But I find it interesting that you "loved" the rest of the article but found that this one bit "ruined it" for you. Apparently you were fine with compulsive fingerbiting and Peter Brown's "Lazy Man's Yoga," but Netflix was just a step too far!
Well, it can be helpful to see what you include in the wholeness of reality and what you think is "not it." Perhaps awakening is a long process of including more and more, as expressed in a favorite poem by Wayne Liquorman:
As you walk the
Spiritual path
It widens
Not narrows
Until one day
It broadens
To a point
Where
There is no
Path left at all.
– Wayne Liquorman
Thank you Joan. For your relatability, way of communication, generosity, and wisdom. I love this sharing of your home retreat in its simplicity and unstructuredness - no rules, just openness. Please keep sharing - you are a gem. ❤️
Nice way to start 25… as usually very inspiring ,insightful… much love ,Gracias