Wonderful piece Joan. Thank you. It echoes much of what I've been thinking this week around non-duality. 've noticed that I'm blaming much less, including myself and have more compassion for others, as well as myself.
I was talking about regret with a friend recently through the lense if non-dualism...or at least my understanding of it. I said that regret is an idea that needs to believe we have free will to choose. Once one realises that we are not actually choosing but rather acting out of who we are at that given moment and that if repeated we would always act the same way, then there is no room for regret. We couldn't have ever done anything differently. I wonder what you think around regret.
This may boil down to what we mean by "regret," but my sense is that there's a healthy and very natural kind of regret that simply involves noticing that we did something hurtful and feeling sorry or "regretful" about it and maybe doing what we can to apologize or make amends. This seems part of how course corrections happen and part of being aware. And then there's the unhealthy kind where we go over and over past mistakes, dwelling on them, blaming ourselves or others, thinking we could and should have done better, beating ourselves up, or blaming others and longing for vengeance. The latter is the kind of regret that falls away with nondual understanding. But true nondual understanding is not just an intellectual understanding that we can use to cleverly justify harmful actions. So if we murdered our children, felt nothing about it, and simply dismissed it with nondual philosophy as "just what is" and "couldn't be otherwise" and "probably essential for many good things to happen," in my view, that would be a kind of delusion. Yes, that too would be just what happens, but the ability to discern errors and feel sorrow is included in the wholeness of being.
Yes!!! That distinction is crucial. I was talking to the unhealthy type of regret. Absolutely YES to acknowledging harmful decisions and using those for course corrections…and a resounding NO to using nondual ideas to justify bad deeds. ‘falling away’ is such a beautiful way of describing that feeling. That's what I had noticed but couldn't find words for. VERY MUCH appreciate your response Joan. 💚
“And we see that no one (not me, not you, not God, not any world leader) is in control.” Oooo… got me on this one, particularly “not God”. This inquiry has surfaced new awareness of clinging to concept and aversion to vulnerability. If no one or no thing is in control, what then? Everything just happens… not for a purpose or a reason… it. just. happens. I’m going to have some fun watching myself wrestle with this koan and at the same time already watching myself melt into the reality that the nature of the whole happening is to happen (and wanting that to be its purpose lol). Thank you for this!
I’m also a byproduct of a fluke, my dad’s first wife died tragically and my mom’s first husband was abusive. If my dad’s first wife had not died, and if my mom’s first husband was not a piece of ****, I wouldn’t be here today. Contingent convergence. Butterfly effect. Just the way the cookie crumbles…
I've got an interest in evolutionary biology and I'm enjoying Klaas's talk.
A Peter Brown greatest hit, (paraphrased) "any view, any belief, any circumstance...any thing.... is always more and other than you think or can know it is.
And The Old Chinese Farmer story is a perennial favorite of mine also, that like you, i love to share with others.
Wonderful piece, indeed. Also, thank you for sharing the Brian Klass video. I forwarded it to one of my sons (age 43) who is having a really difficult time and is wondering what he's doing wrong, all of his efforts and hard work are not giving the results he hoped for.This society is so focused on material success and it's easy to feel discouraged. It's so difficult to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and we really have very little control!
Double 💕!! Accepting what looks like choice and free will, and the attraction to that view, is liberating, no?
I will add only that it seems like a well functioning society needs to incorporate the illusion of choice, responsibility, and accountability into legal systems and parenting. Society needs to act as if the illusion is real.
Yes, parents still need to teach children not to throw their food, run out into the traffic, hit people, and so on, as if the children have free will. But when the parents understand that the children actually don't, they will respond more compassionately when the children sometimes fail. Of course, the parents don't have free will either, so they may very well not always respond compassionately, and a tough response is sometimes the most effective and the most needed to bring about a change. And yes, as a society, we still need to hold people responsible for harmful behaviors, and keeping them out of circulation may be needed. But again, if the justice system understood this better, it would perhaps operate in a more compassionate and less punitive way, as in systems of restorative justice, for example. But, que sera sera, it is as it is. ❤️🙏
Wonderful piece Joan. Thank you. It echoes much of what I've been thinking this week around non-duality. 've noticed that I'm blaming much less, including myself and have more compassion for others, as well as myself.
I was talking about regret with a friend recently through the lense if non-dualism...or at least my understanding of it. I said that regret is an idea that needs to believe we have free will to choose. Once one realises that we are not actually choosing but rather acting out of who we are at that given moment and that if repeated we would always act the same way, then there is no room for regret. We couldn't have ever done anything differently. I wonder what you think around regret.
Thanks again 💚
This may boil down to what we mean by "regret," but my sense is that there's a healthy and very natural kind of regret that simply involves noticing that we did something hurtful and feeling sorry or "regretful" about it and maybe doing what we can to apologize or make amends. This seems part of how course corrections happen and part of being aware. And then there's the unhealthy kind where we go over and over past mistakes, dwelling on them, blaming ourselves or others, thinking we could and should have done better, beating ourselves up, or blaming others and longing for vengeance. The latter is the kind of regret that falls away with nondual understanding. But true nondual understanding is not just an intellectual understanding that we can use to cleverly justify harmful actions. So if we murdered our children, felt nothing about it, and simply dismissed it with nondual philosophy as "just what is" and "couldn't be otherwise" and "probably essential for many good things to happen," in my view, that would be a kind of delusion. Yes, that too would be just what happens, but the ability to discern errors and feel sorrow is included in the wholeness of being.
Yes!!! That distinction is crucial. I was talking to the unhealthy type of regret. Absolutely YES to acknowledging harmful decisions and using those for course corrections…and a resounding NO to using nondual ideas to justify bad deeds. ‘falling away’ is such a beautiful way of describing that feeling. That's what I had noticed but couldn't find words for. VERY MUCH appreciate your response Joan. 💚
Hola ¡Joan aviat serà el teu sant, aquí a Catalunya fem fogueres per celebrar-ho.
Molt d'amor ¡
“And we see that no one (not me, not you, not God, not any world leader) is in control.” Oooo… got me on this one, particularly “not God”. This inquiry has surfaced new awareness of clinging to concept and aversion to vulnerability. If no one or no thing is in control, what then? Everything just happens… not for a purpose or a reason… it. just. happens. I’m going to have some fun watching myself wrestle with this koan and at the same time already watching myself melt into the reality that the nature of the whole happening is to happen (and wanting that to be its purpose lol). Thank you for this!
Tom, "do what you can; let go of the rest" "do what you can; let go of the rest" "do what you can; let go of the rest"
Stop struggling to make sense of it all.
Thank you Joan, love, Tom 💕
I’m also a byproduct of a fluke, my dad’s first wife died tragically and my mom’s first husband was abusive. If my dad’s first wife had not died, and if my mom’s first husband was not a piece of ****, I wouldn’t be here today. Contingent convergence. Butterfly effect. Just the way the cookie crumbles…
Thank you, Joan.
I've got an interest in evolutionary biology and I'm enjoying Klaas's talk.
A Peter Brown greatest hit, (paraphrased) "any view, any belief, any circumstance...any thing.... is always more and other than you think or can know it is.
And The Old Chinese Farmer story is a perennial favorite of mine also, that like you, i love to share with others.
The awe of beingness accumulates ❤️
Wonderful piece, indeed. Also, thank you for sharing the Brian Klass video. I forwarded it to one of my sons (age 43) who is having a really difficult time and is wondering what he's doing wrong, all of his efforts and hard work are not giving the results he hoped for.This society is so focused on material success and it's easy to feel discouraged. It's so difficult to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and we really have very little control!
Double 💕!! Accepting what looks like choice and free will, and the attraction to that view, is liberating, no?
I will add only that it seems like a well functioning society needs to incorporate the illusion of choice, responsibility, and accountability into legal systems and parenting. Society needs to act as if the illusion is real.
Hi David,
Yes, parents still need to teach children not to throw their food, run out into the traffic, hit people, and so on, as if the children have free will. But when the parents understand that the children actually don't, they will respond more compassionately when the children sometimes fail. Of course, the parents don't have free will either, so they may very well not always respond compassionately, and a tough response is sometimes the most effective and the most needed to bring about a change. And yes, as a society, we still need to hold people responsible for harmful behaviors, and keeping them out of circulation may be needed. But again, if the justice system understood this better, it would perhaps operate in a more compassionate and less punitive way, as in systems of restorative justice, for example. But, que sera sera, it is as it is. ❤️🙏
Beautifully expressed. You so often re-mind me of that peace that passeth...
Thank you.