“Paradoxically, the more we try to change ourselves, the more we prevent change from occurring. On the other hand, the more we allow ourselves to fully experience who we are, the greater the possibility of change.” —Laurence Heller
I have 5 books, and the 3 that talk the most about addiction in general are: Bare-Bones Meditation, Awake in the Heartland, and Nothing to Grasp. I'm not sure how much about that is in the most recent book, Death, which I quoted from at length in this post. That one is a lot about aging and dying and having cancer. But they ALL touch on the addiction to the spiritual search as an avoidance of being this moment. Here you can find info on all 5 books: https://www.joantollifson.com/books-joan-tollifson.html .
Joan, I read your book and I'm sure Chapter 5 was my favorite. I loved reading it again. And I had such a strong response to the Zen Koan, I had to write! Here it is:
Response to Zen Koan
Student: I am reaching for the light.
Zen Master Yunmen: Forget the light, show me the reaching.
The first thing I notice in “forget the light,” is that old tendency we have as humans to think that this is not it, but something over there is. Our brains are good at seeing problems and looking for solutions. The self-improvement market is one of the most profitable. We are used to looking for our deficiencies or denying and projecting our deficiencies or just acting them out until our delusion crashes.
The irony is, with waking up, as soon as we move away from here toward any imagined solution, we’re only further from the peace we seek. But, since all is included, the new place we find ourselves in is also here with as much peace, potentially, as the other. Awareness is awake no matter what the experience is.
Either the light is everywhere or we are just as likely to awaken in the darkness. So nevermind the light.
The second thing I notice is that the Zen Master says “show me the reaching” which is an invitation to embody this current longing, this ache in the heart. The Student can move out of the mind and into the sensation. When we turn our attention around from the object we desire to the actuality of what we feel, we are returned to the present. Instead of avoiding what we are feeling, transferring it to what we think we are missing, we return with compassion to the feeling/sensation.
The third thing I notice is that, in welcoming the feeling, the “reaching” falls away. Its desperate energy is returned home, its sense of separation from the light can be seen as an illusion. We are back in the interbeing, the web of inherent belonging that we never left.
Thank you so much. This writing of yours came at just the right moment… just exactly when the precise door in me —the one through which it could pass—had opened. Grace is beautiful and wonderous.😊
Indeed - "follow the practice or non-practice that works for you".....how could anything else be sensible guidance? And, for further clarity, the wise observation that the appropriateness of any action or explanation/belief is also context-reliant....relevant only to the moment in which it is expressed - we are well-advised to question consistently. Nice.
Thank you very much, Joan. I feel what you say in my heart, specially when you say the present moment includes the possible responses to what it is and we try to change.
Love you Joan 🙏
“Paradoxically, the more we try to change ourselves, the more we prevent change from occurring. On the other hand, the more we allow ourselves to fully experience who we are, the greater the possibility of change.” —Laurence Heller
—Found on the website of Michele Brehl: https://michelebrehl.com/trauma-therapy-narm/
Thank you. Very very helpful indeed. I was an addict too years ago and often torture myself thinking about the past. I will buy your book.
I have 5 books, and the 3 that talk the most about addiction in general are: Bare-Bones Meditation, Awake in the Heartland, and Nothing to Grasp. I'm not sure how much about that is in the most recent book, Death, which I quoted from at length in this post. That one is a lot about aging and dying and having cancer. But they ALL touch on the addiction to the spiritual search as an avoidance of being this moment. Here you can find info on all 5 books: https://www.joantollifson.com/books-joan-tollifson.html .
Thank you so much.
Heart break is Heart opening ... endlessly
💕
Thanks so much Joan 🙏
Joan, I read your book and I'm sure Chapter 5 was my favorite. I loved reading it again. And I had such a strong response to the Zen Koan, I had to write! Here it is:
Response to Zen Koan
Student: I am reaching for the light.
Zen Master Yunmen: Forget the light, show me the reaching.
The first thing I notice in “forget the light,” is that old tendency we have as humans to think that this is not it, but something over there is. Our brains are good at seeing problems and looking for solutions. The self-improvement market is one of the most profitable. We are used to looking for our deficiencies or denying and projecting our deficiencies or just acting them out until our delusion crashes.
The irony is, with waking up, as soon as we move away from here toward any imagined solution, we’re only further from the peace we seek. But, since all is included, the new place we find ourselves in is also here with as much peace, potentially, as the other. Awareness is awake no matter what the experience is.
Either the light is everywhere or we are just as likely to awaken in the darkness. So nevermind the light.
The second thing I notice is that the Zen Master says “show me the reaching” which is an invitation to embody this current longing, this ache in the heart. The Student can move out of the mind and into the sensation. When we turn our attention around from the object we desire to the actuality of what we feel, we are returned to the present. Instead of avoiding what we are feeling, transferring it to what we think we are missing, we return with compassion to the feeling/sensation.
The third thing I notice is that, in welcoming the feeling, the “reaching” falls away. Its desperate energy is returned home, its sense of separation from the light can be seen as an illusion. We are back in the interbeing, the web of inherent belonging that we never left.
Beautifully said 💚
Thank you, Tina. I felt a pull to write as soon as I read it and a time opened up an hour or so later.
As ever Joan beautifully observed, shared and landing as powerfully as your writing always does.
Long may it continue to light our way ♥️🙏
Thank you so much. This writing of yours came at just the right moment… just exactly when the precise door in me —the one through which it could pass—had opened. Grace is beautiful and wonderous.😊
It does seem that way often, doesn't it?
I wonder how many times our doors remain closed because it ISN'T the "right" moment...I guess we can never know, by definition....
Nicely said Lorri.
Thank you
Indeed - "follow the practice or non-practice that works for you".....how could anything else be sensible guidance? And, for further clarity, the wise observation that the appropriateness of any action or explanation/belief is also context-reliant....relevant only to the moment in which it is expressed - we are well-advised to question consistently. Nice.
Thanks again Koan. Your posts are always so provocative. I like to read them when I can give my full attention ( whatever that is ).
I can’t believe I called you koan must Be Freudian slip!!!
I loved it! The "k" and the "j" are next to each other on the keyboard.
Thank you very much, Joan. I feel what you say in my heart, specially when you say the present moment includes the possible responses to what it is and we try to change.