I totally wasn’t ok with not be ok. Like you, the awakening aspect really helped with the absence of personalisation of what was happening, but there continued to be unpleasant experiences and things I wanted to change about the human - like the kick in the gut if it looked like I’d done something wrong. The compulsive reaching for my phone. The over-giving, under-receiving, and avoiding abandonment, especially avoiding being abandoned by clients. Leading to really unhelpful / unhealthy(!) ‘good girl’ behaviours.
I’d done loads of enlightenment activities to clean up the human patterns over the years, but there was still something unknowable, and seemingly un-gettable at. It was really bugging me!
Until, at the start of this year, someone told me about the mace energy method and I instantly felt this full body yes to it. It was totally what I was looking for. It’s put these unwanted experiences to rest. And I’m so thankful for that! And extra bonus! I now get the delight of seeing it having the same effect for my clients. People of all ages and walks of like.
I’ve seen it again and again like this. That when I’ve wanted something to be different, something has come along to help make that difference a reality. It’s really bloomin cool how that happens! I wonder if something will show up for you.
As I was reading your comment, I was totally with you until I hit the line about finding the mace energy method and how it solved all your problems. Instantly, I felt a kind of deflation and disappointment. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for you that you've found something that has worked wonders for you and that you're now sharing with others. And it may be a great method. I'm not doubting or putting down any of that. I've certainly had the experience many times of exactly what I needed showing up, and there's nothing wrong with things being cured. To give you but one example, I met an amazing therapist who helped me sober up in the early 1970s from near fatal alcoholic drinking. And I've certainly found many helpful methods and teachers and whatnot over the years. So why the deflation? I think I'm really tired of stories with happy endings along the lines of, "I found the cure! All is well!" And the alluring promise it sets up. And the underlying assumption that "this isn't enough, something more better different is needed." I find something so much more liberating and freeing in that quote from Karl Renz: "There is no happy end. That’s the beauty of it." A recent article by my friend Shiv Sengupta subtitled "Why self-improvement is a sham and why we never truly evolve, resolve or heal" really appealed to me: https://shivsengupta.substack.com/p/the-drama-of-dysfunctional-selves. But again, I appreciate your good intention here and I'm genuinely happy for you.
Totally get it Joan and going to check out that article. I’m very happy with my improved and improving life so I’ll be continuing with this….for as long as I continue with it. And totally love and respect the plethora of pathways to live this human life in the way that’s right for each of us ❤️
Just had a read and yes I totally did the ‘include it exactly as it is’ stuff. But there was this resistance that just kept pushing me to do more. I see that as part of the chaos of life unfolding - part of the “I am not running this show, the show is running itself”.
The change I’ve seen isn’t that I’m some floating equanimous ‘ommm’ing’ person. Quite the opposite. It’s that the full range of my emotional scale has been returned, and all of it is genuinely felt as ok. Learning from experiences continues. Getting it wrong continues. But it doesn’t come laden with feelings of wrong-ness and it doesn’t send me into self analysis or self-figuring-out anymore.
When there was an underlying ‘I am wrong’ running the show, the ‘I have to fix this’ was an inevitability - in order that I could be good and right again.
Since the ‘I am wrong’ has gone, I get to have all the experiences without feeling guilt, shame or self loathing. Without feeling like I have to fix myself. I’m genuinely allowed to feel frustrated. I’m allowed to feel disappointed. I’m allowed to feel all of it because the identification with I am wrong has gone.
The shift had already begun through nondual recognition - that already made it feel so much less personal and easier to see and be with.
Then the movement of life continued into improving the human experience - it’s just how it’s been for me. Doesn’t mean it’s how it is or has to be for everyone.
And the movement into improving the human experience brought me to here. And I’m thankful for that. Because I love it here!
Continued gratitude for now. And excitement for what could come. I like both.
Thank you Joan for your transparency and honesty. Those qualities in a teacher are most important to me. No false promises, just reality. And that is exactly what is liberating (for me).
‘Other teachers seem to have it much more together than this.’ ‘Seem’ being the operative word, seemingly🤔. I’m grateful to the very rare breed of spiritual ‘teachers’ who signpost other teachers, especially one Joan Tollifson who clued me in to Peter Brown while he was still with us. Every time I listen to him, I think of you. From one fucked up neurotic to another, thank you.
Thank you for sharing this with us. The pessimistic note about “there are no happy endings” I found oddly cheering. Love that. I enjoy reading your books! Greetings from Amsterdam.
Thank you Joan for sharing. I love your honesty and openness. I resonated with so much of what you said. An affirmation that keeps coming up for me lately is: I AM ENOUGH. At times I find I am so focused on personal growth that I miss the wonder of just being as I AM. I don’t think we are ever healed or done in this life - I feel we are in a constant state of flux much like the universe, and that used to scare me. I wanted my healing to be finished - to be complete. I wanted to tie it all up in a neat little bow. But I’ve come to realise in the last five years (since the death of my younger brother) that we are never done. We are all messy, fucked up humans and that’s what’s so beautiful 🤍
" There is nowhere to go and nothing to become". I wish I could totally believe this in my bones. I remember Ramesh once asking "If you were tested with the lying detector machine, are you sure you would say that and come out clean?" I know I'm not there yet.
The funny thing is that sometimes I don't care anymore.Thank you Joan for your truthfulness and love for all of us.
I feel less alone when I read your confessions, more reconciled with what is and with the gaps between my resume and my experience. You remind me of the unthought known: that I am a mysterious complexity-all acceptable just as it is. Like your mother, my mother was able to end her life with wonder and acceptance she rarely exhibited earlier. I was shocked when I took her to a meditation class for cancer patients and she liked it-this was so out of character (whatever that means.) She died soon after. I am grateful for broken and healed -at the same time-teachers who have continued to show up without cures, advice, conviction, outcomes... thank you, Joan for the faithful witnessing that is brave to speak truth.
What is bogeria? Whatever it is, more and more of it. The great thing about hearing a language we don't understand is that it is just nonsense sounds, and as such, it reveals the same to be true of all the words we do seem to understand. 😂
Joan, I have been reading you work since my friend Paul gave me your book Waking Up in the Heartland in 2006. I love your honest take on life and have always appreciated your willingness to show us struggles and imperfections. Thank you.
I totally wasn’t ok with not be ok. Like you, the awakening aspect really helped with the absence of personalisation of what was happening, but there continued to be unpleasant experiences and things I wanted to change about the human - like the kick in the gut if it looked like I’d done something wrong. The compulsive reaching for my phone. The over-giving, under-receiving, and avoiding abandonment, especially avoiding being abandoned by clients. Leading to really unhelpful / unhealthy(!) ‘good girl’ behaviours.
I’d done loads of enlightenment activities to clean up the human patterns over the years, but there was still something unknowable, and seemingly un-gettable at. It was really bugging me!
Until, at the start of this year, someone told me about the mace energy method and I instantly felt this full body yes to it. It was totally what I was looking for. It’s put these unwanted experiences to rest. And I’m so thankful for that! And extra bonus! I now get the delight of seeing it having the same effect for my clients. People of all ages and walks of like.
I’ve seen it again and again like this. That when I’ve wanted something to be different, something has come along to help make that difference a reality. It’s really bloomin cool how that happens! I wonder if something will show up for you.
As I was reading your comment, I was totally with you until I hit the line about finding the mace energy method and how it solved all your problems. Instantly, I felt a kind of deflation and disappointment. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for you that you've found something that has worked wonders for you and that you're now sharing with others. And it may be a great method. I'm not doubting or putting down any of that. I've certainly had the experience many times of exactly what I needed showing up, and there's nothing wrong with things being cured. To give you but one example, I met an amazing therapist who helped me sober up in the early 1970s from near fatal alcoholic drinking. And I've certainly found many helpful methods and teachers and whatnot over the years. So why the deflation? I think I'm really tired of stories with happy endings along the lines of, "I found the cure! All is well!" And the alluring promise it sets up. And the underlying assumption that "this isn't enough, something more better different is needed." I find something so much more liberating and freeing in that quote from Karl Renz: "There is no happy end. That’s the beauty of it." A recent article by my friend Shiv Sengupta subtitled "Why self-improvement is a sham and why we never truly evolve, resolve or heal" really appealed to me: https://shivsengupta.substack.com/p/the-drama-of-dysfunctional-selves. But again, I appreciate your good intention here and I'm genuinely happy for you.
Totally get it Joan and going to check out that article. I’m very happy with my improved and improving life so I’ll be continuing with this….for as long as I continue with it. And totally love and respect the plethora of pathways to live this human life in the way that’s right for each of us ❤️
Just had a read and yes I totally did the ‘include it exactly as it is’ stuff. But there was this resistance that just kept pushing me to do more. I see that as part of the chaos of life unfolding - part of the “I am not running this show, the show is running itself”.
The change I’ve seen isn’t that I’m some floating equanimous ‘ommm’ing’ person. Quite the opposite. It’s that the full range of my emotional scale has been returned, and all of it is genuinely felt as ok. Learning from experiences continues. Getting it wrong continues. But it doesn’t come laden with feelings of wrong-ness and it doesn’t send me into self analysis or self-figuring-out anymore.
When there was an underlying ‘I am wrong’ running the show, the ‘I have to fix this’ was an inevitability - in order that I could be good and right again.
Since the ‘I am wrong’ has gone, I get to have all the experiences without feeling guilt, shame or self loathing. Without feeling like I have to fix myself. I’m genuinely allowed to feel frustrated. I’m allowed to feel disappointed. I’m allowed to feel all of it because the identification with I am wrong has gone.
The shift had already begun through nondual recognition - that already made it feel so much less personal and easier to see and be with.
Then the movement of life continued into improving the human experience - it’s just how it’s been for me. Doesn’t mean it’s how it is or has to be for everyone.
And the movement into improving the human experience brought me to here. And I’m thankful for that. Because I love it here!
Continued gratitude for now. And excitement for what could come. I like both.
Just realised it’s the difference between negative inward ‘I need to be fixed’ vs positive outward ‘this is how I want to express’.
And so the latter includes resolving barriers that inhibit that expression - be they inner or outer.
The latter, to me, is natural. The former is what happens when we believe we’re this limited body-mind person.
I resonate with everything you've said in your responses and it clarifies your original comment. You might enjoy my newest Substack article: https://joantollifson.substack.com/p/choose-freedom
Thank you Joan for your transparency and honesty. Those qualities in a teacher are most important to me. No false promises, just reality. And that is exactly what is liberating (for me).
Thank you for pressing the send/publish button Joan. I so appreciate you ❤️
Yes , totally echo this xx
Thank you Joan for sharing your vulnerability and for your honesty. I find your words so inspiring and I’m grateful for your sharing. 🙏🏽❤️
‘Other teachers seem to have it much more together than this.’ ‘Seem’ being the operative word, seemingly🤔. I’m grateful to the very rare breed of spiritual ‘teachers’ who signpost other teachers, especially one Joan Tollifson who clued me in to Peter Brown while he was still with us. Every time I listen to him, I think of you. From one fucked up neurotic to another, thank you.
Thank you for sharing this with us. The pessimistic note about “there are no happy endings” I found oddly cheering. Love that. I enjoy reading your books! Greetings from Amsterdam.
Thank you for being so honest and courageous. I can only hope to aspire to be as much so (and totally ok if I fail as well).
Your Mother’s wisdom is so reassuring,
as is your honesty!
Thank you both so much!🙏
This message is what I need now.Thank you.
This message is what I need now.
Thank you Joan for sharing. I love your honesty and openness. I resonated with so much of what you said. An affirmation that keeps coming up for me lately is: I AM ENOUGH. At times I find I am so focused on personal growth that I miss the wonder of just being as I AM. I don’t think we are ever healed or done in this life - I feel we are in a constant state of flux much like the universe, and that used to scare me. I wanted my healing to be finished - to be complete. I wanted to tie it all up in a neat little bow. But I’ve come to realise in the last five years (since the death of my younger brother) that we are never done. We are all messy, fucked up humans and that’s what’s so beautiful 🤍
" There is nowhere to go and nothing to become". I wish I could totally believe this in my bones. I remember Ramesh once asking "If you were tested with the lying detector machine, are you sure you would say that and come out clean?" I know I'm not there yet.
The funny thing is that sometimes I don't care anymore.Thank you Joan for your truthfulness and love for all of us.
I feel less alone when I read your confessions, more reconciled with what is and with the gaps between my resume and my experience. You remind me of the unthought known: that I am a mysterious complexity-all acceptable just as it is. Like your mother, my mother was able to end her life with wonder and acceptance she rarely exhibited earlier. I was shocked when I took her to a meditation class for cancer patients and she liked it-this was so out of character (whatever that means.) She died soon after. I am grateful for broken and healed -at the same time-teachers who have continued to show up without cures, advice, conviction, outcomes... thank you, Joan for the faithful witnessing that is brave to speak truth.
Hola! Bogeria més bogeria ,,
What is bogeria? Whatever it is, more and more of it. The great thing about hearing a language we don't understand is that it is just nonsense sounds, and as such, it reveals the same to be true of all the words we do seem to understand. 😂
Hola! Bogeria es locura en Español
Bogeria es en Catalán de Catalunya - España
Ahhh...one of my nicknames, from my time in Nicaragua, is cocoloco.
Your so honest appraisal is heartwarming indeed! Many of us are swimming in the same ocean of ❤️
Joan, I have been reading you work since my friend Paul gave me your book Waking Up in the Heartland in 2006. I love your honest take on life and have always appreciated your willingness to show us struggles and imperfections. Thank you.