Toward the beginning, after meeting your old school comrade, “Instantly, I could feel myself contracting down into the sense of being this seemingly small, separate, encapsulated person called Joan.”
Something that has come up repeatedly for me that the contraction (from this state of relative expansiveness) is only noticed in memory, never as it occurs. Is there noticing in “your” view that contraction is presently happening as it happens? How does past-present-future arise again?
This particular event happened maybe two decades ago, so it is a distant memory. But I would say in general that there is a felt-sense that occurs instantaneously, in the same way you instantaneously feel pain if someone drops a brick on your foot. Describing it in the way I did is of course a conceptualization after the fact, as is the description you might give afterwards about the felt-sense of the brick striking your foot.
Of course, in some sense, there is no experience at all without memory because this exact instant doesn't even exist--it's gone as soon as it appears--and due to the split-second time delay in sensory information reaching the brain, science apparently tells us that all experience is of the past. We ARE this eternal bottomless NOW, but we never actually experience it in any objective way.
But in terms of our everyday experience, I'd say the experience of pain or contraction is a present moment experience. The description of it comes later.
Joan, I've been thinking about this beautiful piece for the past couple days, and I'm curious if you've written about what daily practice(s) you do to help maintain this balance between being in touch with this formless, ever-evolving now and conceptual world.
There are articles on my website "Outpourings" page that would respond to this: www.joantollifson.com. There are previous Substack articles that would also do that, and you can find all my previous articles on my Substack home page: https://joantollifson.substack.com. I also did a series of "Explorations" for Sam Harris's Waking Up app, and you can get a free trial of the app and listen to both my conversation with Sam and the “Explorations of Being” series I did for the app with this link: https://dynamic.wakingup.com/person/PEQEQ1?code=guest. I also have 5 books, which you can learn more about on my website, and there are suggestions in those as well. My first book, Bare-Bones, describes my path (up to 1995), Nothing to Grasp, Painting the Sidewalk and Death all have material in them about meditation and inquiry. I hope this helps.
Wow, this: “But at some point in my journey… it no longer seemed…that the goal was for a mirage-like self to stabilize permanently in an open, boundless, free dimension of experience and eradicate any sense of being a person…”. This one really hits the hammer on the un-nail-downable head for me. THE answer to this little me’s life koan, the whole spirituality project. I’m aware that any “answer” is still just a pointer but… this one immediately cuts through all the striving (in the ultimate illusion indulgence) and invites me into the open arms of just being, in whatever form Being shows up. And it leads me to: When I’m free to be a human (relatively and absolutely), I’m free to be all of This. Thank you Joan!
I can't remember where I heard it but I just recently came across a great answer to the question "what do you do?" Like at a party or some function with strangers and you're chatting with someone and they ask you, "so what do you do?"... my new answer is "as little as possible." It could possibly be off-putting to some but I do love the subversiveness of that answer... and it's also true! Ha ha!
I think, sometimes, when someone asks you that question it really isn't about you and what you "do" - it's about them wanting to be asked the same question so they can tell you all about themselves.
I have always loved your take on non-duality you are my favorite author on the subject and I'd just like to thank you for sharing your actual experiences with us..you make very clear and real and right here right now the experiencing of everything... Thank you... I love your book Nothing to Grasp as well...I'm grateful to be experiencing this everything along with you!!!
Joan sometimes when I read your posts I feel like you’re describing “my life”. In a way I find it very comforting. Go figure. Thanks again. Much love to all.
Thank you, Joan! I found you a while back on the Waking Up App with Sam Harris. I been reading you since then and most often have an experience of you speaking directly to my awaking self. They land like an opening meditation. This recent post is golden. Also, thanks for pointing me towards Rober Saltzman.
Is there a difference between spirituality and consciousness? Or put another way is there a distinction between being spiritual and being conscious? Love, Tom
When I was in my 20's I used to scrawl Chogyam Trungpa graffiti on the bathroom walls in my favorite downtown party bar district. I particularly liked "Welcome chaos as extremely good news", because I was in my 20's and it made me feel that maybe I was just naturally just heading in the right direction. :) I also liked another one, possibly not Chogyam's - "Nothing is real. But what you do matters." It was kind of my root koan for decades. I ran it through the tetra/quadrilemma: "X is real. X is not real. X is both real and unreal. X is neither real nor unreal." Like, Donald Trump is real. Donald Trump is not real. Donald Trump is both real and unreal. Donald Trump is neither real nor unreal. Same with, say, "Voting is important". Whatever. :) Same with what you do. But in any case, what you do matters, relatively and absolutely (as if there were a difference, really) This is the thing, even once you've dissolved all that fancy dualistic thinking into beautiful tetralemic This. How you feel is just the weather. (Weather also matters/doesn't matter etc. - the distinction only belongs to language, not to direct experience, as I experience it.)
Easy to see that a state of open all-connected one-ness simply FEELS better than the constriction of, say, being required to come up with a squinchy little 'defining' identity statement or feeling angry while doomscrolling about murdered children. Kensho is a lot more attractive than listening to that debate and wanting to tear your hair out. Seems like aversion to form accompanies desire for emptiness and we're still talking as though Being is different from and competing for our embrace against beings until it's clear that that's not what's going on. Or sometimes clear. I don't think enlightenment really means elimination of aversion and desire - I don't think that's ever accomplished. And everyone wants to be happy. That's what I love about your writing - you take that on with great honesty and clarity. :)
Jeez, I never talk or write about this stuff any more. But I love reading your missives, thanks!
Since the disaster known as the debate,
I have found increasing refuge in the
wisdom of your writing. Thank you!🙏
Loving your work as always Joan.
Is there a link to your website?
Gently 🙏
Thanks, Tony. My website is https://www.joantollifson.com. You can also find all my previous Substack articles on my Substack home page: https://joantollifson.substack.com.
Great thanks Joan
Go well go gently 🙏
❤️❤️❤️
Joan, thanks for this.
Toward the beginning, after meeting your old school comrade, “Instantly, I could feel myself contracting down into the sense of being this seemingly small, separate, encapsulated person called Joan.”
Something that has come up repeatedly for me that the contraction (from this state of relative expansiveness) is only noticed in memory, never as it occurs. Is there noticing in “your” view that contraction is presently happening as it happens? How does past-present-future arise again?
🙏
Jonathan
This particular event happened maybe two decades ago, so it is a distant memory. But I would say in general that there is a felt-sense that occurs instantaneously, in the same way you instantaneously feel pain if someone drops a brick on your foot. Describing it in the way I did is of course a conceptualization after the fact, as is the description you might give afterwards about the felt-sense of the brick striking your foot.
Of course, in some sense, there is no experience at all without memory because this exact instant doesn't even exist--it's gone as soon as it appears--and due to the split-second time delay in sensory information reaching the brain, science apparently tells us that all experience is of the past. We ARE this eternal bottomless NOW, but we never actually experience it in any objective way.
But in terms of our everyday experience, I'd say the experience of pain or contraction is a present moment experience. The description of it comes later.
This is so wonderful and helpful, thank you. 🙏
Joan, I've been thinking about this beautiful piece for the past couple days, and I'm curious if you've written about what daily practice(s) you do to help maintain this balance between being in touch with this formless, ever-evolving now and conceptual world.
There are articles on my website "Outpourings" page that would respond to this: www.joantollifson.com. There are previous Substack articles that would also do that, and you can find all my previous articles on my Substack home page: https://joantollifson.substack.com. I also did a series of "Explorations" for Sam Harris's Waking Up app, and you can get a free trial of the app and listen to both my conversation with Sam and the “Explorations of Being” series I did for the app with this link: https://dynamic.wakingup.com/person/PEQEQ1?code=guest. I also have 5 books, which you can learn more about on my website, and there are suggestions in those as well. My first book, Bare-Bones, describes my path (up to 1995), Nothing to Grasp, Painting the Sidewalk and Death all have material in them about meditation and inquiry. I hope this helps.
Super helpful--thanks so much. Looking forward to reading and learning more. Thank you for your time and this ultra-thorough answer! 🙏
Wow, this: “But at some point in my journey… it no longer seemed…that the goal was for a mirage-like self to stabilize permanently in an open, boundless, free dimension of experience and eradicate any sense of being a person…”. This one really hits the hammer on the un-nail-downable head for me. THE answer to this little me’s life koan, the whole spirituality project. I’m aware that any “answer” is still just a pointer but… this one immediately cuts through all the striving (in the ultimate illusion indulgence) and invites me into the open arms of just being, in whatever form Being shows up. And it leads me to: When I’m free to be a human (relatively and absolutely), I’m free to be all of This. Thank you Joan!
Beautiful!!! ❤️🙏😊
I can't remember where I heard it but I just recently came across a great answer to the question "what do you do?" Like at a party or some function with strangers and you're chatting with someone and they ask you, "so what do you do?"... my new answer is "as little as possible." It could possibly be off-putting to some but I do love the subversiveness of that answer... and it's also true! Ha ha!
I think, sometimes, when someone asks you that question it really isn't about you and what you "do" - it's about them wanting to be asked the same question so they can tell you all about themselves.
I think you heard it from me. It's the answer one of my friends gives when asked that question. I've always loved it. Good to hear from you. 😊
ha ha!!! I love it!!
Yes, it's beautiful how things circle around. 😊
Love this answer! “my new answer is "as little as possible."
Joan. Very clear as always! Thank you.
I have always loved your take on non-duality you are my favorite author on the subject and I'd just like to thank you for sharing your actual experiences with us..you make very clear and real and right here right now the experiencing of everything... Thank you... I love your book Nothing to Grasp as well...I'm grateful to be experiencing this everything along with you!!!
Thank you! 🙏
Thank You!!!
Joan sometimes when I read your posts I feel like you’re describing “my life”. In a way I find it very comforting. Go figure. Thanks again. Much love to all.
Thank you, Joan! I found you a while back on the Waking Up App with Sam Harris. I been reading you since then and most often have an experience of you speaking directly to my awaking self. They land like an opening meditation. This recent post is golden. Also, thanks for pointing me towards Rober Saltzman.
Is there a difference between spirituality and consciousness? Or put another way is there a distinction between being spiritual and being conscious? Love, Tom
When I was in my 20's I used to scrawl Chogyam Trungpa graffiti on the bathroom walls in my favorite downtown party bar district. I particularly liked "Welcome chaos as extremely good news", because I was in my 20's and it made me feel that maybe I was just naturally just heading in the right direction. :) I also liked another one, possibly not Chogyam's - "Nothing is real. But what you do matters." It was kind of my root koan for decades. I ran it through the tetra/quadrilemma: "X is real. X is not real. X is both real and unreal. X is neither real nor unreal." Like, Donald Trump is real. Donald Trump is not real. Donald Trump is both real and unreal. Donald Trump is neither real nor unreal. Same with, say, "Voting is important". Whatever. :) Same with what you do. But in any case, what you do matters, relatively and absolutely (as if there were a difference, really) This is the thing, even once you've dissolved all that fancy dualistic thinking into beautiful tetralemic This. How you feel is just the weather. (Weather also matters/doesn't matter etc. - the distinction only belongs to language, not to direct experience, as I experience it.)
Easy to see that a state of open all-connected one-ness simply FEELS better than the constriction of, say, being required to come up with a squinchy little 'defining' identity statement or feeling angry while doomscrolling about murdered children. Kensho is a lot more attractive than listening to that debate and wanting to tear your hair out. Seems like aversion to form accompanies desire for emptiness and we're still talking as though Being is different from and competing for our embrace against beings until it's clear that that's not what's going on. Or sometimes clear. I don't think enlightenment really means elimination of aversion and desire - I don't think that's ever accomplished. And everyone wants to be happy. That's what I love about your writing - you take that on with great honesty and clarity. :)
Jeez, I never talk or write about this stuff any more. But I love reading your missives, thanks!
lovely clear words , thank you for sharing dear Joan ....
I so resonate with your description of living as a person in this post Joan. Thank you